Good story and very funny.

Got this from one of my friends. One of his friends had his girlfriend cheat on him and they exchanged these two emails. I have changed the names for privacy sake. Although I dont think that the guy will mind that this is on the internet.

Joe,
It would be difficult for me to be any more miserable right
now, I feel like the worst person ever. First, let me start by saying that I am
truly truly sorry, and I hate myself for hurting you. Of all the people in the whole
entire world, you were honestly the last person that I would ever want to wrong in
any way. There is no excuse at all for anything that happened, so I won’t even try
other than to say all of us had WAY too much to drink, and I did a stupid thing. I
can
handle you being pissed at me, I absolutely deserve it, I can even handle the ugly
words that were exchanged between us, what I can’t handle is thinking that you see
me as a different person. It is weird, the world looked funny yesterday, I couldn’t
crack a smile if you paid me, there are songs I can’t listen to, and I just feel
beyond crushed. I don’t know if you meant everything you said to me, and I am hoping
that you
didn’t. I know that I was wrong on many levels, but I am also hoping that this is
something that we can deal with. I know it sounds totally crazy and stupid, I can’t
imagine my days without you. It is totally strange and weird to say that, and you
could say that my behavior didn’t reflect that, and you would be correct. I hate
feeling like you hate me, and I hate feeling like all of your friends think I am a
terrible person, because I am not. I know there is nothing I can say
or do to take back what happened. I am so sorry.

Jane

–

Dear Jane,

Thank you for your concern. I’ll be sure to file it away under ‘L’ for ‘Long-winded
diatribes from drunken whores I couldn’t care less about’. You did a stupid thing
huh? No…doing long division and forgetting to carry the one is ‘a stupid thing’;
Mixing in a red Sock with a load of whites is ‘a stupid thing’; Blowing some guy in
a bathroom for 45 minutes while I sit at the bar wondering if you’re taking so long
because you ate too much raisin bran that morning isn’t as much a ‘Stupid thing’ as
it is grounds for permanent removal from my social calendar. To be honest, I’m not
sure if it was more amusing
that you went and degraded yourself in a public toilet not once, but twice in a 2
hour span, or that you seemed to think that by saying ‘Well, I didn’t Fuck him’
somehow gave you a clean slate. So forgive me if I couldn’t care less if the world
‘looked funny’ to you yesterday. Since your World revolves around blow dryers,
golden retrievers, Prada Bags and Jelly Beans, I’m sure it must have been most
unsettling to actually have to consider someone else’s feelings
for 24 hours straight. The good news for you is that my friends don’t think you’re a
terrible person, they just think you’re the average run of the mill cum-guzzling
blonde who commands about as much respect as your average child porn collector.

By the way, for the amount of time you claim to spend in spin class you really must
be doing something wrong to sport the thunder thighs you do. Watching you parade
around my bedroom in a thong was a little like watching sea lions mate. Thought you
might like to know.

PS. I forwarded this email to about 100 people.

Talk to you never,
Joe

Well I have yet to post any articles or anything of the sort on here and most likely will not post very many. But this article really made me laugh so I thought why not.

VATICAN CITY—Calling the behavior shameful, sinful, and much more frequent than the Vatican was comfortable with, Pope Benedict XVI vowed this week to bring the widespread pedophilia within the Roman Catholic Church down to a more manageable level.

Addressing thousands gathered at St. Peter’s Square on Easter Sunday, the pontiff offered his “most humble apologies” to abuse victims, and pledged to reduce the total number of molestations by 60 percent over the next five years.

“This is absolutely unacceptable,” Pope Benedict said. “It seems a weakening of faith in God has prevented our priests from exercising moderation when sexually abusing helpless minors.”

“And let me remind our clergy of the holy vows they all took when they entered the priesthood,” he continued. “They should know that they’re only allowed one small child every other month.”

The pope said he was deeply disappointed to learn that the number of children sexually abused by priests was almost 10 times beyond the allowable limit clearly outlined in church doctrine. Admitting for the first time in public that the overindulgent touching of “tender, tender young flesh” had become a full-blown crisis, the Holy Father vowed to implement new reforms to bring the pedophilia rate back down to five children per 1,000 clergy.

“The truth is there will always be a little bit of molestation—it’s simply unavoidable,” Vatican spokesperson Rev. Federico Lombardi said. “But the fact that young boys have gotten much more attractive over the past few decades is no excuse for the blatant defiance of church limits that have been in place for centuries.”

“The majority of priests don’t want to molest kids at all,” he added. “But for those who do, we must make sure they’re doing it at a reasonable rate.”

Following the pope’s speech, the Vatican released a statement outlining its plan to reduce pedophilia. Starting next year, specially trained cardinals will make unannounced visits to inspect and observe random churches in order to ensure they are not going beyond diocese-wide molestation caps. The inspector-cardinals will grade each parish based on long, private interviews with altar boys in darkened church basements, and careful observation of priests’ sexual activity.

These senior officials will also have the authority to enforce harsh punishments for any clergy member violating his allotment of pedophilia.

“If a priest goes even one child over the limit, there will be hell to pay,” said Prefect Emeritus of the Congregation for Bishops Giovanni Battista Re, explaining the Vatican’s new “Three Strikes, You’re Out Rule.” “After the third offense, the offending priest will immediately be moved to another parish. This will give officials time to investigate the case, and will act as an effective deterrent since it usually takes months for priests to gain the trust of the new children.”

As a “goodwill measure,” Cardinal Re said all churches will also be required to display a sign next to the altar showing the number of days since the last molestation.

Criticism of the pope’s new plan has already begun to emerge from within the Catholic Church itself. Rev. Walter Moore, a pastor at St. Peter’s in Chicago, questioned the Vatican’s methodology in calculating the molestation rates, saying the church’s inconsistent definition of pedophilia may have skewed the numbers.

“Is it technically pedophilia if the child’s clothes are fully on the entire time? What if he’s asleep when it happens?” Moore said. “It’s time we had some clear guidance from Rome on this issue. For instance, the church counts it as one incident regardless of whether the child is molested multiple times by the same individual or by two priests at once. That’s just plain wrong.”

“Plus, if it’s supposed to be a special secret between the priest and the boy, is it even any of the church’s business in the first place?” he added. “Maybe Brandon is just trying to get attention.”

The Vatican would not release details of the pope’s upcoming world tour, in which he plans to clear up any confusion on the matter by personally demonstrating what constitutes molestation.

Original Article:

http://www.theonion.com/articles/pope-vows-to-get-church-pedophilia-down-to-accepta,17201/